In our homes we clear out gardens and garages: we sort through debris and clutter: we organize and tidy so that we can live more comfortably and more efficiently.
We can apply the same logic to our personal lives by talking through the communications problems we have with friends, family and colleagues. These conversations are difficult, stressful, and if not handled skillfully, they can do as much harm as good. So we try to avoid them.
When we do not speak up, problems do not go away. At work, teams become more inefficient, relationships are strained; productivity drops.The battle-weary keep their heads down, just getting through the days. Down the track you wonder how team spirit, energy and creativity disappeared.
In our personal relationships, we blame each other for our poor communication and tacitly agree to live in silence. We use everyday busyness as a respectable alternative. Problems have to be huge before they are discussed. Openness and intimacy are replaced by avoidance and evasion.
While there are endless reasons why relationships may become strained, there is a set of conversations that starts with the words: Can we talk about how we talk to each other.
These are the conversations that you need to have with the people who accuse and blame at every opportunity; who tell you what you think; finish your sentences for you; interrupt before you can get ten words out, and never properly listen when you do speak up.
They are conversations about specific behaviour patterns that have widespread and long term impact on many relationships.Inevitably,conversations with people who use these behaviours are difficult for a number of reasons.
One is that since you have probably tolerated their behaviour for some time without speaking up, they have no reason to suspect that you are unhappy. The other of course is that any conversation with them is difficult!
These are also the conversations that make the difference between your drifting along in a relationship, nursing your feelings of hurt or frustration, and maybe seeing the relationship unravel completely: or talking through the problem, removing it, and putting the relationship onto a more healthy footing.
Setting the right tone at the beginning of one of these conversations is critical, so that you achieve an agreed behaviour change and do not end up in argument and acrimony. There are four ways in which you can set the tone of a conversation.
First, be sure you are committed to resolving the problem, and determined to see the conversation through. When you are firmly committed to solving a problem, that resolve will be communicated when you open the conversation.
If you step up to a conversation and then back off, you have merely taught the person that your bark is worse than your bite. They will quickly learn that by placating you or stalling on taking action you will back off and go away! Then they continue with their behaviour as before.
Then think through why you want to have the conversation and what you want to achieve. Going in to blame, accuse or exact revenge by using the same behaviour that the other person uses, will merely guarantee an argument.
Assuming that the relationship is of value to you both, the win for both of you is an improvement in the relationship. When you open the conversation, make it clear that this is goal is important to you, and that it is the reason you want to have the conversation.
The third thing you can do to set the tone is to think through how you might have contributed to the problem. For example, if you have tolerated the behaviour for a long time without speaking up, you have mislead the person into thinking that you were happy with things as they were, when in fact you were not. You have contributed to the problem by being dishonest!
Finally, you can suggest ground rules for the conversation up front. Using ground rules is a way of anticipating difficulties that are likely to arise in the conversation and then agreeing ways of avoiding them.
For example, if you know that you tend to interrupt each other and not listen to what the other says, you might suggest that you hear each other out without interruption. If you have talked about this issue previously, you might suggest that this time you agree not to rake up the old conversations and disagreements.
Conversations about how we communicate are difficult and important. Being able to hold them effectively can make the difference between having effective communication in a happy satisfying a relationship and being in one where you are frustrated, angry and unheard.
About the author of this article:
maureen collins has a b.sc. degree in psychology from edinburgh university and over 25 years of consulting experience. she specialises in communication skills in the business world. in straight talk, she trains people how to handle difficult conversations, on difficult topics, with difficult people.
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