Can you come and see me, pleeeease? Alison was sobbing down the phone. When I had seen her as an antenatal client she was a strong, capable professional woman, pro-active about being prepared for becoming a mum. Now, she was vulnerable, teary and awash with post birth hormones. Being in hospital with helpful people prodding her body was an experience we had discussed, but until you actually have somebody grabbing your breast and shoving your baby’s head into it, it can be difficult to realise how hard it can be to speak up and how easily this realisation can further undermine your confidence. We are all conditioned that professionals are the experts so even though it is your baby and your body, when you are a beginner being assertive, especially when people are trying to help you, becomes a whole new ball-game.
From the time you discover you are pregnant, you can find yourself the target of helpful advice and you may at times have to assert yourself with family, friends and health professionals to get support for your choices around birth and parenting. But it is the intrusion on your bodily space that can be hardest to handle with dignity.
Friends and family can be comparatively easy to distract politely or with a bit of humour and if they are more intrusive, practising your assertiveness skills on them during pregnancy can give you a head
start for when you need to express your needs politely but firmly with strangers, including professionals.
Being assertive doesn’t mean being aggressive or telling people where to shove it (not on my breast, please!). It is about asking for what you want and explaining how you feel without hostility: try saying, I would like, it would help if, or I would prefer.
After a visit with Alison and some reassurance, she was able to tell the nurses, I would rather try attaching my baby by myself. Can you please just watch and see if he is attached properly.
When you are dealing with professionals, although they deserve respect, you don’t have to accept everything they say as final and you have every right to ask questions. Your birth plan can be a handy tool for discussion. It can also help to write down any questions that occur to you between check-ups, so that you remember to raise them at your next appointment. Enter all discussions at the same level as your health carer: for instance, if you need to ask questions, wait until you are at least sitting up and you are at eye level with your doctor. After all, it isn’t easy to ask questions when you are lying naked from the waste down with your legs spread and somebody you have just met is peering into your vagina! And, if you are feeling intimidated by a health professional, imagine them naked or in their underwear (or wearing a white sequinned Elvis suit if the thought of them in the buff brings on an attack of nausea).
About the author of this article:
pinky mckay is an internationally certified lactation consultant, infant massage instructor and author of sleeping like a baby and 100 ways to calm the crying. for her free report 10 things you must know about breastfeeding before you have your baby visit pinky mckay - breastfeeding simply
